This is another slam poetry video. Since I love this one and don’t have a life, I’ve decided to type in the words. Sorry if there are any typos or wrong words or wrong usage of punctuation. If you find any, please do tell.
Hi! Thank you for purchasing the audiobook of “How To Ruin Your Life” for fun and profit as read by the author, Neil Hilborn.
So, you wanna be unhappy? You probably think you need to be in pain to be an interesting person and artist, and you’re right! People who “care” about you will tell you you don’t need to suffer to be important. But just remember–musicians are always most popular the day after they die.
So, are you ready to matter to someone?
Step One: Hate yourself. You are, presumably, a human being between between the ages of alive and dead. So chances are you’re already there. Congratulations!
Step Two: Fall in love. People will tell you that this takes years. Well we have a secret method that will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week! The trick is; you must be completely unable to tell the difference between love and co-dependence.
Step Three: Fall in love. With someone else. At the same time. People will tell you that it is impossible, given the love already inside you, but they don’t know you. Your heart is limitless. Your heart is a well. It goes all the way down. You can fit everyone in there. But remember to lie about it! Love can’t exist with knowledge of other love.
Step Four: At this point you may be doubting your decision to totally fuck up your life. So ask yourself: would you rather be happy or interesting? Would you rather be on the news or just watching it? Happy people don’t make history. Happy people make children, then die.
Step Five: Self-diagnose yourself a mental disorder that makes you aloof and impossible to contact. If someone accuses you of being a bad friend, lover, or child, accuse them of being insensitive.
Step Six: All the elements are in place. Now, start sabotaging your life. Remember; this isn’t crazy, this is research. This is material. This is necessary for your personal growth!
Step Seven: You’ve been in love with two people for a while now. Tell them about each other! Whichever one stays is the winner!
Eight: Call your boss a fascist [I’m not sure for this one single word] chipmunk fucker! Tell your friends fun lies about your other friends! Tell your mother she was the reason you tried to kill yourself! It’s just not depression without total isolation.
Nine: Do something to hurt yourself. It may be credit debt, it may be gonorrhea, it may be a razor. Literal or not, make yourself bleed.
Step Ten: Create something. Paint your scars on the side of a building. Write a poem and shout it to strangers. “The Misery Circus” is parading into town and you are holding the banner. Miles of people are following you; they are all wearing grey. A rainbow of grey. They are all watching and they kick themselves bloody on their own feet. You have scars and everyone wants to kiss them; this is stigmata pornography. This is inspiration. You are right there, still alive. You are morning in a world of midnights. You are so brave. And they want to be brave just like you.
Look at what you have built.
Everything you loved, is gone.
Tell yourself: “It was worth it.”