So basically I’m just going to pour out all my thoughts on the nursery rhyme. It’s so… full of porn. If you don’t like it and read it anyway don’t blame me for anything.

“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pall of water”

First of all, why did they have to go all the way up there? Water flows down, doesn’t it? And all that way just for one bucket? How big is it that it has to be carried by two people? And if it’s that heavy, why don’t they just send two boys? As Eddie Griffin bluntly said it… “They’re fucking!”

“Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after”

So, if you think Jack has a literal crown, you’re an idiot. If he’s a prince or something, he doesn’t even have to get water. And they could just put a well somewhere in or near the castle he lives in.

Now, think. What do men treasure like crowns? Are you there yet?

And Jill tumbled down to. They’re probably fucking so hard they both fell down. Seriously, couldn’t they pick somewhere safer to do this? *sighs*

“Up Jack got, and home did trot, as fast as he could caper”

Jack’s one tough kid. He could endure all the pain and still manage to run all the way…

“To old Dame Dob, who patched his nob”

This is just sick. FYI, nob is slang for the male genitals. And he had a WOMAN do it? And a dame, too. The kid’s got the better things in life, I guess. Dame Dob’s either a pedophile or his close family member. Or if they turn out to be “just” fifteen years old, then I guess she likes them young. The point is, Jack’s got it good.

“With vinegar and brown paper”

One word. Ouch.

“Then Jill came in and she did grin, to see Jack’s paper plaster”

Oh, how this made me angry. The. Dumb. Bitch. Gave. Herself. Away. And Jack too, I might add. The “decent” thing she could do to see how Jack’s doing is to pretend she’s coming in for some casual business, look surprised, then instantly go out.

Plus, she’s so mean. I mean, Jack’s “crown” broke. As in, he might not be able to ever have sexual intercourse for the rest of his life! And if they had to sneak away just to have sex, Jack’s probably doing her a favor or something.

“Her mother whipped her across the knee for laughing at Jack’s disaster”

I’m glad to see that. Jill got busted. And it shows good parenting. ;)

Credits to Eddie Griffin for enlightening me of how pornographic nursery rhymes and children’s stories could be. But why are we so oblivious to this? I think we’re just too used to hearing them. We have been hearing them since little. And, as Bruno Mars sang, we were…

“Too young, too dumb, to realize”

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