Midnight Malarkey

a peek inside the poetic freak



Aku Menantikan Kematian

Aku memimpikannya terjadi dalam realita
sampai datang dalam bunga tidur yang terasa nyata
lalu berpikir, “inikah saatnya?”

Lalu aku bangun.


Banyak yang takut pada kematian,
tak terkecuali diriku.
Masuk akal karena kematian begitu asing,
menimbulkan aneka pertanyaan
berputar bagai gasing.

Ada yang takut karena tak tahu kemana mereka akan pergi,
dan apa yang anak ini ketahui tentang itu?
Ada yang takut karena konsep “tidak ada” tak mereka pahami,
namun bagiku ini bukan masalah eksistensi.


Bukan maksudku menyesali nafas yang diberikan,
namun saat hidup bukan lagi suatu keuntungan….

Apa yang tersisa selain kematian?


Aku membayangkannya terjadi dalam sebuah cerita:

Suatu hari, jantungku berhenti
berdetak begitu saja.

Banyak orang mendengar kabar,
segenggam yang datang,
satu-dua dengan bibir gemetar.

Siapa yang tersisa ricuh tentang
cara penguburan,
masalah undangan,
dan kepada siapa koleksi bukuku harus diberikan.

Pikiran yang, anehnya, menenteramkan.


Hidup itu berawal dari sebuah judi
tentang keluarga dan harta
dan tempat lahirmu di dunia.

Hidup itu berakhir
sebagai pos menuju kebakaan.


“Baka” berarti kekal
dan dalam bahasa Jepang berarti bodoh.
Seolah-olah mengatai orang yang merindukan kematian
—seolah mengataiku—


Dalam kesadaran, aku memilih
setelah menimbang,
bahwa kematian mengerikan
sama seperti kehidupan.

Dan dalam tengah awal dan akhir
aku bukanlah pejudi yang mahir
karena malah duduk manis dan menunggu
keping kehidupanku untuk kembali diambil.


Untaian memori yang kau kenakan di lehermu sungguh indah, andai ia tidak mencekikmu. Ups, masa depanmu hilang. Sepertinya dibunuh kenangan.

She said I was shining. I wonder if I shone half as bright as the reflected light of the blade I’ve been keeping for her.

Your heart was warm
Like the blood that flowed through your veins
Before it stopped

Your hands were warm
Like the glow in your eyes, so bright
Before they ceased to have sight
Never opening again

My dear, you were robbed of living
As if the burdens of life were too heavy for your bearing
You who loved
My beloved,
ever loved

Death ripped me of you
But I’ll carve you into memory
All of your good and your beauty
Forever preserved in my eternity

“Who will be at my funeral?”

Have you ever thought about that? I have. But i never really thought it through.

You see, there’s this thing that’s kind of a trend now. Talking about fake friends and those who only care when you’re terminally ill or dead. Or when they need something from you. And yeah, that’s annoying. But these last few months whenever I start to wonder who’ll come, who’ll be crying, stuff like that, my brain stops me with…

“Stop it. It’s not going to affect you in any way.”

And more recently…

“Don’t be a selfish attention whore.”

And I got confused over this for a while. ‘Til today, that is.

You see, it’s not evil to want to know that people care for you. Love, or at least attention, is a basic social need. Still, sometimes people care in the strangest of ways. They may also mourn for your death in a different way.

Guess what? They’re probably the closest friends you have. Let’s say they got together to remember all the wacky stuff you did together. Chances are, there’ll be a laugh here and there in the midst of all the nostalgia.

Besides, I want my friends to live on when I die, not to die of depression because I’m gone. I still want them to have fun. If it means forgetting me, then so be it. If the truth is we’ll be aware of this, I’ll probably be a bit sad. Still, why should I be selfish even after death?

Yeah, I’m awesome, aren’t I? ;)

Let’s move on to the other reason on why thinking about this is dumb.

Did you consider this?  I’m sure you agree to this, in your own way. Now… if you believe this, why bother caring about who’s gonna show up? Let’s say half of the people knew you well. You cared for each other. Half of the rest weren’t all that close to you. Among these people there’s always the possibility of people still caring for you as a human being or whatever, even when you’re just on nodding terms. Let’s give them a pass.

But what about the others?

Some are there just because they know you. Maybe they reluctantly came because you’ve been on a project together. Maybe they’re there because they know someone close to you and are there to cheer them up. Lighten the mood a bit. Be the shoulder to cry on.

Strangers, accompanying your friends, may also be present. Or you’re a part of an organization and they’re representing it. You know, kind people who’ll give their time to a dead body. Perhaps if you’ve met, you would’ve liked each other. Doesn’t make a difference now, does it? And if you could see them, would you be touched? “Oh my gosh, complete strangers care for me!”

Nope. Probably not.

And guess what? Here’s the most important fact you’ve probably overlooked…


What difference would the number of people coming to your funeral make? Would you suddenly be denied Heaven just because you didn’t meet the quota of 50 people who genuinely care for you coming to the funeral or 100 people crying over your death?

Get real.

You won’t get to experience them caring for you again anyway. Better to worry about people who care for you now. In this world and realm. You savvy?

The Colour of (Your) Death

I go blue
Thinking of you
Your eyes that will never again open
It leaves my heart open

Your face was blue
Both hands stiff
I knew you’re going to a better place
But never seeing you again in this lifetime…
it was that thought I couldn’t believe

The flames were blue;
the flames that consumed you
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”
Says the words we solemnly trust

The sky was blue
The sea was too,
tainted with flower petals we brought for you

Your life was through
But memories, so sweet, stayed
And as sure as the morning brings dew,
know that I’ll still think of you

Olaf. The Most Suicidal Disney Character I’ve Seen So Far.

Just something I need to get out first: the title looks annoying with every word’s first letter in capital, doesn’t it? Oh well.

So, why do I say this? I know Olaf’s cute and kind and has hisown group of fangirls and all that, but seriously, he’s a tad bit creepy in my opinion.  And he’s not even conscious about it! And I’m going to give evidence to this!

First of all… his first words.

“Hi! I’m Olaf, and I like warm hugs!”

He likes warm hugs. Need I explain any further?

Then, of course, the song he sang. That’s. Just. So. Wrong. Again, no explanation required.

Thus far, “warm hugs” show hospitality and Olaf didn’t even know what heat felt like. And what it does to frozen things like him. I don’t really blame him. Still, while the other kids (and even adults) find him just another talking dead thing from Disney, I move back just a little to ponder about how sick the concept of Olaf’s character is.

In Disney’s defense, it’s the type of character that sells. The innocent and unknowing (main or main-ish) protagonist. Olaf’s not the only one. Disney Princesses aren’t even always aware of the danger they’re in, or what their prince has done to save them.

For example, I don’t find it impossible that Aurora a.k.a. Briar Rose laughs at Prince Phillip when he says he had to fight Maleficent as a dragon in order to save her. And I won’t blame her either. It may sound exaggerated to her, and she doesn’t know any better.

But in Olaf’s case, he actually had a chance to realise the danger of heat and get away from it! Or at least prolong his time before being melted.

It’s that heartwarming scene when he helped Anna warm herself and said she’s worth melting for.

Honestly I also went “Awww” watching that part but my mind kept bugging me. Olaf’s not supposed to be stupid, right? WHY DIDN’T HE STAND A BIT FURTHER FROM THE FIRE!? He could’ve gotten a feet or two away from the fire and  still be there for Anna. Plus, if he really did want to keep her safe, he’d do a better job if he was around longer, wouldn’t he? Just… think about it.

These are the kind of thoughts I have when watching any kind of movie. “Why not do (insert alternative) instead?” “Did he/she really have to say that?” Believe me when I say that as much as I love my brain for humoring me, I’m also pissed at times because it won’t let me watch most movies and read most books in peace.

My overall love for Frozen is nowhere near the category “severely damaged”, but it definitely takes out some points for Olaf.


Stephen Cave : The 4 Stories We Tell Ourselves About Death

Philosopher Stephen Cave begins with a dark but compelling question: When did you first realize you were going to die? And even more interestingly: Why do we humans so often resist the inevitability of death? In a fascinating talk Cave explores four narratives — common across civilizations — that we tell ourselves “in order to help us manage the terror of death.”

– Taken from TED Talks, below is the link:

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