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Midnight Malarkey

a peek inside the poetic freak

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Fear

How It Feels

It feels wonderful. Like having a new pair of eyes that see the world through colour-tinted retinas. Even the weather becomes pleasantly biased. Usually blazing sunshine feels just right, and gloomy rain becomes a reason to snuggle in blankets and daydream.

It feels magical. Every bad thing coming my way doesn’t look scary. I know I’ll get through. I know I’ll make it. I know I’ll be okay. I have more faith that everything will fall in place at the end of the day. I’m at peace.

It’s such a pure and precious thing. It’s sincere and comes from the heart. So intense, yet calming at the same time. Bubbly yet tranquil. Such a fragile thing, but so pleasant to carry around.

I never want to let this go.

And that’s exactly why it sucks so much. My gut feeling tells me this won’t last as long as I want it to. Reality brings too much pain for me to enjoy the full exquisiteness of it. My head says it’s okay to feel this way, but I have to brace myself because the shattering truth will come with an impact that’ll crush me into unrecoverable grains of ache, what once was, and what I hope could be.

As if what I’m feeling is an illusion that sucked me out of reality, while in reality, as abstract as it is, I can’t deny that it’s so. very. real.

I’m scared of it coming to an end. Still, since it’s bittersweet, it’ll probably end only if the former overwhelms the latter. I’m scared of that too, I guess. I want to enjoy this while it lasts. I wish it’ll last long enough.

Every beautiful thing reminds me of how fleeting they are. Bliss reminds me of how we look for happiness in the emptiest things, ways, or state that we’re in. It becomes a constant annoying each that you can’t reach and won’t go away. It ruins the feeling.

I’m ashamed at myself because I’m unable to muster up this kind of happy on my own and it has to come from an external factor. Then again, knowing social contact has exclusive perks is quite nice. And by “nice”, I mean both in the archaic and modern sense of the word.

Maybe this is just a waste of time; writing about this kind of thing. Then again, if I don’t, I won’t have an outlet to keep myself from the bad kind of insanity.

I’ll just focus on feeling for now, while I still can.

Fuck, I’m such a mess.

Oh well.

Sesungguhnya gue nggak tahu kenapa bisa menulis begini tengah malam tadi. Entah ini atas desakan apa, untuk siapa… gue nggak tahu. Yang pasti saat gue susah tidur karena ingin menulis lima kalimat pertama di atas kertas, pensil gue menggoreskan dirinya. Dan jadilah lamunan tengah malam ini. Selamat menikmati. :)


Ia seperti bintang kecil yang tertutup polusi. Kau perlu mencari sampai tak ada lagi ramai. Barulah ia memperlihatkan kerlipnya.

Ia tak terkenal, tak menjadi buah bibir banyak orang. Namun ia menjadi yang pertama yang ku cari kala malam datang.

Binarnya tak terlalu terang. Rapuh, malah. Namun, itulah yang membuatnya nampak kian indah. Tiap kerlip bagai degup jantung. Bisikan bisu yang hampir tetapi tak pernah sampai di telingaku. Biarlah. Biar apapun itu menjadi rahasia. Sama seperti ia adalah rahasia yang tak ingin kubagi.

Bintang kecilku tak ada namanya. Lalu bagaimana aku mengenalnya? Dengan melihat. Ia selalu sendiri. Walau ku tahu jarak antar bintang tak terbayang, ia selalu terlihat kesepian. Mungkin itulah alasan aku menemaninya. Saling mengusir sepi. Tanpa sepatah kata pun terucap.

Kau tahu? Berteman dengan bintang memang menyenangkan. Namun aku takut.

Aku takut kehadirannya saja takkan cukup. Padahal aku tahu pasti jika aku mencoba mendekat aku akan terbakar.

Aku takut kehadirannya bahkan tak terasa. Ia akan selalu terlihat dalam gelap, tetapi bagaimana cara melihatnya dalam silau terang?

Aku takut orang lain akan menemukannya. Diam-diam, ia akan membagi waktunya, tak hanya untukku seorang. Terlebih jika bintang lain muncul di dekatnya dan ia tak menginginkanku lagi.

Aku takut suatu saat nanti aku akan berhenti mencarimu. Lalu kau berhenti menungguku. Lalu aku tak mampu lagi membedakan kerlipmu.

Aku takut suatu hari nanti cahayamu mati. Dan aku tak akan tahu sebelum semuanya terlambat. Kau telah lama pergi dan aku menganggapmu masih ada.

Bintang kecilku, berjanjilah sesuatu padaku.

Jangan pergi.

“Who will be at my funeral?”

Have you ever thought about that? I have. But i never really thought it through.

You see, there’s this thing that’s kind of a trend now. Talking about fake friends and those who only care when you’re terminally ill or dead. Or when they need something from you. And yeah, that’s annoying. But these last few months whenever I start to wonder who’ll come, who’ll be crying, stuff like that, my brain stops me with…

“Stop it. It’s not going to affect you in any way.”

And more recently…

“Don’t be a selfish attention whore.”

And I got confused over this for a while. ‘Til today, that is.

You see, it’s not evil to want to know that people care for you. Love, or at least attention, is a basic social need. Still, sometimes people care in the strangest of ways. They may also mourn for your death in a different way.

Guess what? They’re probably the closest friends you have. Let’s say they got together to remember all the wacky stuff you did together. Chances are, there’ll be a laugh here and there in the midst of all the nostalgia.

Besides, I want my friends to live on when I die, not to die of depression because I’m gone. I still want them to have fun. If it means forgetting me, then so be it. If the truth is we’ll be aware of this, I’ll probably be a bit sad. Still, why should I be selfish even after death?

Yeah, I’m awesome, aren’t I? ;)

Let’s move on to the other reason on why thinking about this is dumb.

Did you consider this?  I’m sure you agree to this, in your own way. Now… if you believe this, why bother caring about who’s gonna show up? Let’s say half of the people knew you well. You cared for each other. Half of the rest weren’t all that close to you. Among these people there’s always the possibility of people still caring for you as a human being or whatever, even when you’re just on nodding terms. Let’s give them a pass.

But what about the others?

Some are there just because they know you. Maybe they reluctantly came because you’ve been on a project together. Maybe they’re there because they know someone close to you and are there to cheer them up. Lighten the mood a bit. Be the shoulder to cry on.

Strangers, accompanying your friends, may also be present. Or you’re a part of an organization and they’re representing it. You know, kind people who’ll give their time to a dead body. Perhaps if you’ve met, you would’ve liked each other. Doesn’t make a difference now, does it? And if you could see them, would you be touched? “Oh my gosh, complete strangers care for me!”

Nope. Probably not.

And guess what? Here’s the most important fact you’ve probably overlooked…

YOU’LL BE DEAD BY THEN, IDIOT!

What difference would the number of people coming to your funeral make? Would you suddenly be denied Heaven just because you didn’t meet the quota of 50 people who genuinely care for you coming to the funeral or 100 people crying over your death?

Get real.

You won’t get to experience them caring for you again anyway. Better to worry about people who care for you now. In this world and realm. You savvy?

Love and Fear

When you love the stars too much
You don’t mind the dark of night
You feel no fright
You’re too close to the light

When you love the rain
You don’t shy away from each drop that falls
You might not mind colds at all
Sneezing every ten minutes or so is okay
Rather than staying inside when rain comes
You want to go out and play

When you love the sea
You’d drive far just to be near
Of drowning you have no fear
You’re too much of an expert in swimming
With all the time you’ve spent snorkeling and diving

When you love a pet you spend so much on it
You don’t really care how much it costs
Toward it for long you can’t be cross

When you love shopping you don’t worry at all
About the time you waste in sales, visiting each stall
Or taking out cards, either debit or credit
Having items you love is just worth it

When you love learning something you don’t tremble
in the face of exams
You have what you need to know in your temple
Things others find boring seem so exciting
You’re surprised to know others may find it revolting

When you love hiking you don’t mind
Having broken nails after you’ve climbed
You don’t scream when you see insects
You don’t care
You love the open too much to succumb to a scare

When you love someone you don’t fret
About other people who make bets
How long before the fall? How long will you two last?
You know you and your sweetheart will pass

The future doesn’t seem so horrifying
When you face problems you don’t feel like dying
You have a hand that can hold you and drive out the dread
You don’t get jitters, you feel hope instead

Love cancels out fear
So did Hemingway say

So does the Bible say

 

And I believe it to be true

How about you?

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