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Midnight Malarkey

a peek inside the poetic freak

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Feelings

Dearest Confidant, #1

Maybe the reason I love you is because you’re the me I never could be. Half the thoughts and double the action, you have more capacity to execute, while I’m just good at giving reactions.

Maybe the reason you love me is because I’m the you you’ll never be. Half the emotional investment and double the rational force. I know you envy my ability to not feel guilt and think myself out of remorse.

Maybe the reason we love parts of each other shouldn’t matter. You still find me adorable and I find you lovable. The parts we want go with the parts we found and I don’t think I’ll regret anything if we’re ever in any way bound.

I love your heart. I love me loving your heart. I love me loving you heart enough to let me make word art.

You love my brain and the way I think. How I scoop you and won’t let you sink when you overthink. How my brain rationalizes rue and you see my logical links can be true.

Maybe the reason we love like this is because we’re each other’s counterpart. You, the wanderer who knows you need to travel to find answers. Me, the wonderer who answers and wants to question through travel. How I can calm some of your anxiety and you deepen the shades of grey to my reality.

Maybe that’s the reason we love each other like this—love really, never truly. And truly, I’d rather not have it any other way.

 

On a plane, 20th April 2017

8.11 pm

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Funny how you feel oblivious
To how I feel

About you

I’ve written a thousand
Words said, left hanging
In the air, the atmosphere contains particles
Microscopic pieces

Of you

Flaking off feelings
My feelings
Like saying “I love you” is
Simple, really, because I honestly love

You

Shortage

I’m short out of words to describe how I feel
To explain to myself that this is real
That everything, in the end, it’s worth
The wallow and sorrow that doth girth

I’m short out of luck
Trying to get out
Trying to stay in
Trying to stay put
Trying to make you
To stay

I’m short out of reasons to keep on going
All the while knowing the ending
Every possible way this concludes
Will never include
“Us”

I’m short out of faith in you
Of all the sweet nothings
All you say or do
Is sweet
But it
Is nothing I want from you

This shortage, if it continues
Would leave me at the end of the sinuous
My options dwindling down
To one

To stop all of this
Because your heart’s not mine to be won

I’m short out of days to spend
I fear what will come with the end
Because you were my dose of happy
Now I’m at a shortage of ways
To feel love

Waiting to be called
Dreaming it would come
The time I’m admitted
That I’m accepted

To be the one
And only
That would be plenty
And even more so
If I know
That you love me

I know a look speaks
Multitudes
So does a word mean
—shows
A billion definitions

How do you expect
Me to know
What to expect
When I don’t know
What you know

Do seek a psychic
If you want me
To really be
As such

Did I not tell you
And compell
For you to notice
All these

Little things
And feelings

Yet you didn’t
You continued the conversation
Leaving this sensation
Of desperation

Then you say you’re occupied
No time for love on your mind
Let matters of the heart
Depart
And make room
For more urgent thoughts
To loom

Then you turn yet again
To search for affection
And I listen yet again
To your incessant

Rambling
Longing
For someone to make you feel
Something—anything

Call me dumbfounded
Stupefied
Confused
And every other word that could
Be used
To describe you

You say things
That have meaning
Without meaning

You don’t appreciate
How great
People who have integrity
Can live so happily

And I’m left bitter
Fed up, but can never
Be angry
Though weary

Dazed as I am
And numb
And dumb
I do hope you find
Someone to unwind
The suffocating gears
Churning inside

I pray for peace
And release
For me
From you
And all the confusion
You put me through

So I wait to be called
Dreaming of one sure
Of me as the one
To live with
To live through

Despair

O, despair
A feeling to which none compares
Abode in me, oh, sadness enveloping sanctity
Let not blithe uncover my black veil
Before you consume me as life’s wish
Before I turn to my God
Before you leave me bare

Gift perceived only
By those tired and weary
Ones who know how to say no
To only merry
Who choose not only to live to the fullest
But to live fully
And to go there, walk through
Gates of despair

Make silence—hush!
Let it ring in your ear
Scream only to those who won’t hear
Who don’t care of how you feel
Sink to the lowest where will is tested
But—shush! and listen

Let the helplessness release
You, so you may see what it truly is
—salvation in the abyss
Surrender in the most numbing form
Or with most feels
But you can’t sense your own body and
Where the pain is coming from

O, holy heart, I thank thee
For thy carry on despite what goes on
I beseech you take a rest
That’s what I think you need
That’s what I know I seek
I say: “Rest!” for that may be best

O, despair
The feeling to which none compares
Come upon me, pass with thine full force
Sink me in sorrow and remorse
When all is again well, then we shall see
We shall know how this soul fares

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