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Midnight Malarkey

a peek inside the poetic freak

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Love

Dearest Confidant, #1

Maybe the reason I love you is because you’re the me I never could be. Half the thoughts and double the action, you have more capacity to execute, while I’m just good at giving reactions.

Maybe the reason you love me is because I’m the you you’ll never be. Half the emotional investment and double the rational force. I know you envy my ability to not feel guilt and think myself out of remorse.

Maybe the reason we love parts of each other shouldn’t matter. You still find me adorable and I find you lovable. The parts we want go with the parts we found and I don’t think I’ll regret anything if we’re ever in any way bound.

I love your heart. I love me loving your heart. I love me loving you heart enough to let me make word art.

You love my brain and the way I think. How I scoop you and won’t let you sink when you overthink. How my brain rationalizes rue and you see my logical links can be true.

Maybe the reason we love like this is because we’re each other’s counterpart. You, the wanderer who knows you need to travel to find answers. Me, the wonderer who answers and wants to question through travel. How I can calm some of your anxiety and you deepen the shades of grey to my reality.

Maybe that’s the reason we love each other like this—love really, never truly. And truly, I’d rather not have it any other way.

 

On a plane, 20th April 2017

8.11 pm

Turning Point

This is when my heart
Breaks apart into tiny pieces
I want to put away my love
Lease it
To writers who’d at least
Appreciate it

This is when I face
The stone-cold
Reality is
I knew this plot would unfold
With something happy
In the end
But not for me

This is when the end looms
When I take up a broom
Sweep away all traces of you
Or at least try to….

This is when I write
Of what went wrong
What was right
There, staring straight at me
Something I just couldn’t see

You, my dear, didn’t want me the way
I wanted
You needed me
For comfort’s sake

How lucky am I to now awake
To the harsh

Reality is I’m blessed
Able to differ what I feel and
What my brain says is
My priority is
To let everything pour
Out of my brain, rhymes float
About you

And to tell you
The truth is I’m sick of
These feelings, clinging so
Tightly clenching
What I imagined
Would make me happy

No, scratch that
I meant things that
Would make me happy
But I can only
Imagine to be

So… it brings me to

This is where I
Stop posting for
Now I should try focusing
On other things
That are more tangible than feelings

Funny how you feel oblivious
To how I feel

About you

I’ve written a thousand
Words said, left hanging
In the air, the atmosphere contains particles
Microscopic pieces

Of you

Flaking off feelings
My feelings
Like saying “I love you” is
Simple, really, because I honestly love

You

Sejumlah Surat

Untuk: Yang pergi, ditulis saat melarikan diri.


#1—00.30

Aku tahu
kau bukan segalanya untuk
diriku
bukan apa-apa untukmu.

Aku tahu kau tak
pernah istimewa
di hatiku
selalu ada dirimu
layaknya benalu.

Kau membuatkau resah karena
kelakuanmu
membuatku tertawa
terhadap kebodohanku.

Tetapi rasa ini
luar biasa
menyebalkan sekali
pun aku marah juga
tak bisa marah padamu.

Apa ini teka-teki yang
para pujangga akui
kumatnya kinerja hati
adalah sumber inspirasi.

Maka, aku menulis
tentangmu yang tak peduli
tentangku yang bermimpi
tentang kita
tak ada cerita, hanya kenangan
sedu sedan yang kutumpahkan
kala memutar balik
khayalan indah
yang sebenarnya konyol juga.

 


 

#2—01.12

Apa kau tahu aku menulis dengan cara yang berbeda tentangmu? muluk-muluk, campur aduk, dengan hati lelah dan jemari yang tak pernah mengantuk.

Apa kau tahu aku menulis dengan cara yang berbeda karenamu? Aku tahu akan tercebur, dan karena tulisanku jujur, coretan tentangmu kucoret juga. Tentangmu, aku tak takut membuat kesalahan.

Apa kau tahu perasaanku saat menulis tentangmu? Tak karuan. Tentangmu, rasanya aku kehabisan kata-kata. Bahagia, sedih, mara. Mungkin…  cinta? Ah, entahlah.

Apa kau tahu perasaanku saat menulis tentangmu? Kaget, karena tulisanku adalah ungkapan—validasi bahwa kau berarti. Senang saat tahu bahwa hati ini berfungsi. Lega, sungguh lega, karena bisa menulis. Takut, karena sejak perjumpaan, tulisanku sudah menyinggung kerelaan. Seolah-olah aku memang ingin meloncat ke tahap patah hati atau perpisahan.

Apa kau tahu alsanku menulis tentangmu? Agar aku ingat bahwa pernah ada masa saat aku merasakan hal indah. Aku ragu sekarang masih mempercayainya, namun kala itu aku yakin bahwa menulis akan membuatku tabah.

Apa kau tahu alasanku menulis karenamu? Malu, karena tak biasa. Senang atas hal yang kurasa. Agar bisa kuutarakan lebih rapi agar kau mengerti. Agar bisa kuutarakan karena—ternyata, haruskah ku ragu?—kau tak mau mengerti.


Semarang, 27 Juni 2016
—Yang masih merindu

Today I saw someone
broken
arm just like yours.

Made me think back to the very first time I noticed
you
dangling by the window.

You’ve come a long way.
You’ve grown
colder
than winter,
bitter.

Reality has sunk in
deep in your bones
you feel
this is all life is.

But you forget
one person, dear
is enough.
One person near
unconcealed, unseen.

“We” is a word for you not found
in the dictionary
defined as
two
meaning to you
you
with another,
without me.

And you’ve gone
as our proximity grew
close
to saying goodbye
for good
I shall try to win
you back,
is it a mere dream?

We shall see
each other
maybe
with another
I shall find
“We” defined:
You, me,
together.

Untuk si Pemetik Rasa

Untuk kamu, pemain musik
Lagulah hidupmu

Kau mainkan melodi
Tiap hari
Menjalani hari

*

 

Aku ini
Jeda di antara petik
Ada untuk menambah warna

Tetapi terlalu lama menjadi pelik
Kau perlu melanjutkan irama

Dan aku
Kita

Sirna

Kau, dia. (Sungguh-sungguhkah?)

Ini cerita tentang kau dan dia. Sebelum aku ada dalam gambaran.

Maaf, ada kesalahan. Maksudku, sebelum aku mengada-ngada bahwa aku ada dalam gambaran.

*

Kau dan dia pernah sempurna. Sempurna dalam keretakan halus berbalut cat sebagai penutup. Sempurna rasa yang kalian alami selama kalian bersama. Sempurna selama ada kepraktisan saat kalian bersama.

Kau dan dia pernah satu. Satu suara mengiyakan hubungan. Satu hati menyayangi. Satu hari… perpisahan terjadi.

Rupanya, jarak dan jurusan menjembatani kalian dengan kemulusan hubungan. Kau dan dia mulus-mulus saja. Setidaknya, awalnya.

*

Sungguh, saat kali pertama bertemu, kau sudah memperlihatkan sifat-sifat bajingan. Kini aku tahu mengapa kau perlu pernah mampir dalam anganku. Agar aku tahu apa yang sesungguhnya baik.

Sungguh, saat kali pertama mendengar ceritamu, kau sudah memperlihatkan keengganan. Tanda-tanda monoton menyerap perlahan-lahan dalam keseharian. Kini aku tahu mengapa aku pernah—dan mungkin masih—mau mendengar keluh kesahmu. Aku perlu memperhatikan sekitarku baik-baik.

Sungguh, saat kali pertama kau ceritakan masalahmu, kau sudah memperlihatkan keegoisan. Kau menuduhnya tak mengerti, mau menang sendiri, banyak menuntut. Kini aku tahu mengapa aku membiarkanmu semena-mena. Aku perlu belajar menghargai perlakuan yang patut.

Sungguh, saat kali pertama kau ungkapkan gundah, kau sudah mencetuskan kebingungan. Kau merasa dunia tak pernah seperti yang mau. Maksudku dari dunia, dunia sesungguhnya dan juga wanita. Kini aku tahu mengapa kau selalu kecewa. Masalahnya, kau terlalu lugu. Apa yang kau inginkan selalu berubah-ubah.

Sungguh, saat kali terakhir kau bercerita tentangnya, aku tak habis pikir. Apa ia sungguh sahabat berlabel mantan? Apa kalian masih menyimpan perasaan? Apa yang sesungguhnya kau harapkan?

*

Kini aku tahu mengapa aku tak pernah cemburu padanya. Kau pernah tersenyum berseri, mengatakan cinta padanya. Kau pernah melakukan hal-hal yang “terlalu feminin” dengannya, dan menolak saat aku yang meminta. Kau bisa membatalkan rencana deminya, sementara untuk membalas pesanku saja kau mempunyai segudang alasan.

Aku tak pernah cemburu padanya, sungguh.

Sungguh, kau bukan orang jahat. Setidaknya, kupikir begitu. Aku dapat melihat kebaikanmu, bahkan tanpa perlu rasa suka. Tetapi otak ini tak pernah berhenti bertanya: apa yang bisa kau beri padanya?

Mungkin memang pola pikir kita berbeda, dan kau cocok dengannya. Tetapi aku kasihan padanya karena merasa ia dimanfaatkan olehmu. Sama sepertiku dan teman-temanmu yang lain.

*

Kini aku membelanya. Setidaknya, dalam beberapa hal.

Bajingan, sungguh. Kau berkata tak serius dengannya, sementara ia dengan bangga mengunggah perasaannya pada dunia, berkata ia merasa kalian memiliki masa depan bersama.

Enggan, muak saat melihatmu melirik perempuan. Mendaftarkan angan dan mencoba mencocokkannya pada sebuah wajah.

Miris, aku bingung mengapa bisa jatuh karena makhluk sepertimu. Yang berkata-kata saja sembarangan. Yang mengaku pria sejati, namun lebih menghindari kenyataan daripada banci. Maaf. Mungkin mereka tak sudi dibandingkan denganmu kalau mengetahui kau seperti apa. Setidaknya mereka nyata-nyata menyatakan menghindari kenyataan.

Pikirkan saja kelakuanmu itu. Sungguh, masih pantaskah kau untuknya—untuk perempuan manapun?

Path to You

There’s this path I’d take from my home to yours. It’s a winding road so long I’ll always be exhausted afterwards. So glad that at least you’re in reach, so sad that it’s rare we could meet. But I’ll be happy enough as long as you’ll wait, for I think of you each second—both in dream and in wake.

There’s this secret door I’d sneak through to get to you. Apparently, your parents are too ignorant to lock it after noon. So there I’ll wait, while you wake a flutter inside. It sends chills down my spine and trembles to my thighs.

There’s this look you give to me. I never knew what it could mean. Was it love, hate, or curiosity? But you saw me, and that’s enough. Your eyes are enough to calm me.

There’s this touch you do while grinning. I knew what it could only mean. A secret for others, for us alone it’s seen. I love so much of this of you. I go bonkers after this—your touch is the thing I always miss.

One day, I travelled that road. I snuck through the door and sat like a toad. I was in wait for you to come, but what I found was what would seal my fate.

You came out the door, knelt in front of me. Your parents came too, and I was so weary. I thought I’d be dead, a damsel deemed dirty.

But… no.

They smiled and greeted me “daughter”. They asked if I’d accept their son. I asked with my eyes if this is something you’ve done. You laughed and took my hand. That’s when I knew. They’d let you take my hand. They let me have you.

Now, I go down the winding road each day. I close the door behind my way. I’m never again exhausted by this winding path, it’s true. It leads me to home—to you.

Distance.

Inspired by a piece from Lang Leav.



 

I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. So I explained how I feel to myself, trying to get an epiphany.

I felt like sinking. I felt like running on a treadmill set faster than any man could run. I felt like in space–floating, unable to breathe.

I felt like someone dangling off a cliff, grasping for someone to pull me up.

That’s it.

No matter how close we were, you’d never reach for me. It takes two to hold on to each other, two to close the distance. And I’m one short of the one who would love me back. The one who’d save me from myself.

So I fell off that cliff. I didn’t die, of course, because the fall never kills. It’s the impact. But my head’s so high up in the clouds I end up falling into the neverending space.

Now I long for that impact. But it’s not coming. At least no time soon.

And that, I fear, is much, much worse.

You are the picture I paint with clear
Water running down my cheeks
Your name, a silencing word
The face I’ve come accustomed to seek

May you be a lesson well learned
To find the good
In finding peace when I’ve failed
Gaining for what I yearned
So I may say my byes

You’re a word I write over and over again
Not quite getting the curves round
The North in my compass
Set forth did my heart
To you it was bound

I pray I find my peace soon
Too long the clouds of gloom have loomed
And I know you’ll be a sweet memory
Somewhere in the future
Somewhen far

A little treasure I’ve held on too tight
I gave myself a fright
Not sure if my brain thinks you’re worth it
But fate thinks you are

Are
Were
Have been
Had been

Now, still…
My love

Shortage

I’m short out of words to describe how I feel
To explain to myself that this is real
That everything, in the end, it’s worth
The wallow and sorrow that doth girth

I’m short out of luck
Trying to get out
Trying to stay in
Trying to stay put
Trying to make you
To stay

I’m short out of reasons to keep on going
All the while knowing the ending
Every possible way this concludes
Will never include
“Us”

I’m short out of faith in you
Of all the sweet nothings
All you say or do
Is sweet
But it
Is nothing I want from you

This shortage, if it continues
Would leave me at the end of the sinuous
My options dwindling down
To one

To stop all of this
Because your heart’s not mine to be won

I’m short out of days to spend
I fear what will come with the end
Because you were my dose of happy
Now I’m at a shortage of ways
To feel love

Kehilangan

Aku menemukan seseorang yang baru. Aku kehilangan rasa sepi. Heran. Keduanya terjadi di saat yang bersamaan.  Bukannya menjadi netral, sepertinya hidupku malah kehilangan keseimbangan.

Dalam cara yang paling membahagiakan.

Aku kehilangan waktu untuk diri sendiri karena terpana pada angka dua. Kehilangan waktu tidur, terkejut akan perubahan yang begitu akut.

Aku kehilangan kewaspadaan saat berkelana di malam hari karena menemukan pelindung. Kehilangan bantal empuk karena dimonopoli kepala yang bersandar di atasnya. Di sebelahku.

Aku kehilangan inspirasi melankolis, digantikan sendu bermimpi dalam rindu.

Aku menemukan kebaikan dalam kehilangan. Sesungguhnya, tak semua kehilangan tak baik.

Misalnya….

Aku kehilangan kebiasaan “satu” karena menemukanmu.

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